Social media is the best and worst thing to ever happen to society.  It allows us to receive news faster than ever before, stay in touch with friends, and connect with people that we would never have crossed paths with otherwise.  So where’s the bad? It allows us to receive news faster than ever before, stay in touch with friends, and connect with people that we would never have crossed paths with otherwise.  Yeah, I enjoy being able to open up Twitter and find out that Drake dropped a new song 3 minutes ago. I most certainly do not enjoy opening up Twitter and seeing 872 hot takes about Trump’s latest scandal.  It’s nice to scroll through the gram and see that old high school friends are out here living their best lives…BUT, do you know how depressing it is when the girl you wanted to fuck back in 12th grade now looks like Shrek’s wife and feels the need to let the world know she’s listening to the latest fire (lol) from Russ via her IG story?  Listen here, I can barely stand people in actual life. Social media amplifies my hate by about 69,000,000%. Folks, I present to you the absolute worst people on social media.

Anyone that has the word “fit” in their username  

Oh, you go to the gym?  Please feel free to tell me about how dedicated you are.  Did you eat 8 meals today (280g carbs, 86g fat, 220g protein)?  Did you hit a new PR on your squat? PLEEEASSSEEE post a video, it’ll be so inspiring!  OH MY G, was it a cheat day? I NEED to see a picture of that #pizza you ate for dinner.  While you’re at it, I would really like to see your 8 week progress pics. Make sure you include a link in your bio so I can purchase your workout routine & online coaching!!!

The happy couple  

My temperament usually ranges from “mildly annoyed” to “I need a Xanax.”  Nothing makes me want to vomit like a girl trying to fit into her latest Brandy purchase more than couples on Instagram.  Does she really make you happier than you’ve ever been in your life? Does he treat you like a princess? Well, guess what???  One day you’re going to catch him texting another girl. Bro, I’d hate to break it to you…but she’s gonna have a mouth full of another guy’s cum when you get caught texting Rebecca (work).  So…is it really a good idea to post that picture of the two of you holding hands in a canoe as the sun sets?

The oversharer  

Social media is supposed to be a place where I can go to be entertained.  I want pics of cute toy poodles and “one taught me love, one taught me patience, one taught me pain” memes.  The last thing I want is a picture of your grandmother dying of bronchitis. Yes, it’s sad. I don’t want your grandmother to die.  I also don’t want to see her corpse as I’m scrolling through pics of @arianagrande being generally adorable & @emrata serving up some nips.  Call me insensitive, but I do not need to know about how tough the past 2 months have been for you as you’ve been searching for a job and struggling to pay for school.  Just stop…I’m depressed enough. If I OD on Xanax tonight, it’s your fault (NOTE: In this case I do expect a post mourning my death).

The IG model  

Do I even need to explain this one?  You know the girl. She’s 22, blonde, probably has a name like Tiffany.  She owns a vast collection of Michael Kors & Fashion Nova. She was definitely in a sorority.  The type of girl who thinks “crazy sex” involves some light hair pulling and missionary. And she for sure screams “delta, delta, zeta” as she cums.  So what career is she pursuing with that communications degree? Model slash influencer, obvi. Tiffany went & got herself an MVMT watch sponsorship and she’s raking in those M’s babbbyyyyyy ($632.43 after taxes).  It’s not sad whatsoever that you’re out here posting pics of your asshole while sipping on fit tea. You keep hustling, girl. You’ll be able to afford that Kendall+Kylie FW18 collection in no time, sweetheart.

I could go on and on about these atrocious human beings (and I probably will in future posts), but right now, I’ve gotta go serve up some looks for my adoring followers.  The new Off Whites just arrived and your boy’s looking spicccyyyyyyyyyyyyyy af! #thankunext